Tempus Fugit

Almost 4 years since my last post. Admittedly, I started blogging on Myspace and kind of forgot about this one. But I think I shall take up the gauntlet once again. It's fun to bitch my little fits to the whole world wide web. :)

Update for anyone who cares and doesn't know me IRL:

Thanksgiving 2007 I was hit by a car and had both my legs broken as well as my left arm and my right hand. I am mostly better now due to a bit of metal in some strategic places, and a way too small amount of physical therapy. Shortly there after, my best friend hooked up with the girl I was(stupidly) in love with. At which point I basically dumped them both. Selfish? Maybe a little, but I really didn't want to be involved with that affair anyhow. About 3 month later they broke up and then 4 months after that my best friend and I started to hang again, all's forgiven. I do not associate with the girl anymore. Partly cause I cannot separate out those feelings. And partly cause in my deepest heart I know she's a born loser. One good thing came of the whole mess, I got back in touch with my friend Julie from high school. We've bonded quite a lot(mostly due to her going through a messy divorce at the same time I was dealing with my little drama), and I can consider her a very close friend now.

Fast forward to 2009. Terrible year, but I have gotten myself into some better spirits. I have also gotten my computer skills into much better shape. But 2009 is the year my friend Mikey died all too abruptly of a heart attack at the, far too young, age of 48. He was one of the most remarkable people I have ever known in my life. I miss him terribly. In fact, the anniversary of his death is Thursday....

Oh, almost forgot to say. In August 2009, my sister gave me a cat as a very belated birthday present. Her(the cat's, not my sister's) name is Isobel. After the Bjork song, which I love. She is adorable and finicky and a little princess. And I love her. :)

Anyhow, 2009 finally closed out and now we are into 2010 and things are looking up. I have a new diet and I am making a real effort to get myself exercising every day as I should be. In a few weeks I will be making a road trip down to Texas and then to Florida to visit some friends. The first I have been able to leave the state for over 4 years. And boy do I need it. On another note. My best friend, mentioned earlier, is off in Alaska working at a lodge restaurant as a manager. Not all that amazing of a job(according to him), but it affords him a unique opportunity to explore and enjoy a place that most of us will never be able to even get to. Much less get the full flavor of it should we get the chance to visit. And so far he is having a blast! I do miss my friend, but I wouldn't deny him this experience for all the tea in China.

Anyhow, this is my life up to date. Well, at least the highlights....Er, that I am willing to talk about. ;)

it's cold and dark in my heart

On the 18th it will have been one year since my mother died.

This has been stirring in my head for weeks now, and I figured that maybe writing them down would do something to resolve my feelings. (In case you're wondering, it doesn't.) I think I'll just go out and get drunk as fuck.

I'm tired. The people I hang around are fine individuals and have been wonderful friends. But even in a crowded room full of my friends I still end up feeling isolated and alone.

No, I'm not fishing for a new girlfriend. Fact is, I am beginning to doubt that there are females left on the planet that can be trusted anymore. But that is another post for another day.

It's just hard to be anything other than happy-go-lucky James when I go out. And if I stay at home and indulge in my depressive state it just feeds on itself and I end up fucking myself up not taking care of eating right or even moving around all that much. Which is NOT a place I want to be. I did that last Christmas and spent 5 months recovering.

I am almost tempted to just leave. Pick up and go someplace else where no one knows me and I have no relations. Start over.

Anger, fear, depression, HATE. So much running through my mind lately. On top of a lot of sick stupid drama, belonging to other people. People I care about too.

I almost wish I didn't care.

I think I just have to get out of this house. Being here, it's killing me slowly.

The hardest string to cut

So I was talking with my friend Jenny last night about all of these feelings of angst I've been having over this whole thing.(and if you know me you know how much I HATE angst!!!) And even though she's been saying for weeks that this chick is crazy, the message finally sunk in.

Yeah, "the bitch is nuts", to quote another friend of mine.(I should listen to my friends more often huh?)

I just couldn't get over how it just ended like that. No warning, no issues beforehand...just *poof* over!

So I got nice and tanked tonight, had some fun.*evil gryn* And decided that all of my friends are right and I have cut all the ties. I deleted every message ever sent to me and I deleted every e-mail and her phone number from my phone.

Essentially she no longer exists. From this point on she is a non-entity.

I may even delete the previous posts referring to her. I don't know. I'm really not into revisionist history.

Too 1984, you know?

The universe teaches me once again

It's been such a long week. I fucking hate this. Why the fuck did I bother in the first place? These lessons are wearing thin, you know?

To illuminate:

I had this amazing week, the week before last. I got to know someone I was beginning to develop real feelings for. And then, poof! She just up and breaks up with me.

She messages me on myspace that she had a problem with something. No details, just a problem. I got a little worried, but kept chill about it cause she said in the message that she wanted to be with me.(inside I was freaking out left and right...but I was able to keep it in my head)

So, ok... I finally talk to her and it turns out it's just some strange smell she detected on me the last couple of times we were together(I still have no idea, there was a shirt I had worn that had a strange and sour smell on it. But who knows?). I mean I'm a pretty fastidious guy. No narcissist, but still...I keep my self pretty damned clean, you know? Anyhow, I was relieved that she wasn't having second thoughts or anything. But somewhat offended at the implication.

So fast forward a couple of days and two things happen.

First I sent an e-mail with a few details about my weekend. And I think some of the things I said in it about the whole smell thing might have been too harsh. I was running full tilt cause of my sister being on my case for two days about some neurotic bullshit. And may have let some of that slip into my massage to her. Second, I talk to her on the phone and I detect this sort of odd quietness in her voice. An almost reservedness that unnerved me. So I e-mail her another letter telling her that I thought she might have doubts, and that I would be happy to slow things down so she could get more comfortable with me. And I also told her that I wanted nothing more than to be with her.

The next day she calls me up and breaks up with me. She told me I was falling in love too fast for her and that I wouldn't let her catch up. She said that even though she had told me she wasn't having second thoughts, I continued to insist she was. And on top of that she tells me I'm not ready for a relationship...I couldn't even speak at this point.

ME, SPEECHLESS!

If you are someone who knows me, that's saying something.

Anyhow, she hangs up. And being right in front of the computer, and being on myspace at the time, I decided to change my status there to single. More to solidify what just happened in my mind than anything else. Later that night I saw on her page that she had done the same and also took me off her top friends list. It hurt but I figured it was just her doing the same.

She went further though, way further.

I found out the next day when I checked her page briefly to see if she was online. She had removed all, or nearly all traces of me from her profile. Comments, posts, even an entire blog posting of hers.

And I thought the break up hurt.

I mean it's just myspace and I don't give a rats ass who's top whatever I'm in or whether someone doesn't like my pic or post or whatever. But that just was about as brutal as a person could be. Like saying, "You no longer exist, and the last 5 weeks were just a halucination.". I talked with me friend Brandon about it and he suggested that, me changing my status so fast was hurtful to her. And that was why she had done that. Either that or she found someone else, used my e-mails as an excuse and didn't want said new guy to see my posts or whatnot.

I would prefer to believe she's not the type to do something like that. But then generally speaking I see the better in people, Brandon is more practical than me. I don't know either way.

As you can see from my last post, I got in touch with her and asked forgiveness for doubting her and for changing my status so quickly and she said she'd think on it. I sent the flowers just because I'm a damned romantic at heart and can never leave well enough alone.

And here it is, Sunday morning.

I'm hopped up in a bucket of coffee and about a pack and a half of cigarettes. And nothing. No sign she even cares. Or ever cared for that matter.

I mean I told her I could wait, several days if necessary for her to let me know. But if she's taking this long it's pretty obvious she's not.

So, I give up.

Time to be single again.

Not really a problem for me. Before I'd met her I was content being single, and would have been content to stay that way for a while yet actually. I took a chance and it burned me.

But then, if I were one to play things safe I wouldn't be the person I am. Would I?

C'est la vie...

Time to ring the bell, close the book, and snuff the candle.

Can you say, feel like shit?

Loooong night, even longer day! Oi Oi Oi! Anyhow, I couldn't sleep last night. Too much on my brain...just couldn't get her out of my mind. I asked for a second chance, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomache that she's not going to give it to me. What does one do?

I dunno, one last gesture. (last stand if you will)

Sent her flowers. Not in the conventional sense though. I spent 2 hours looking for as many beautiful high res pics of flowers I could find.(She can't have real flowers where she lives cause her cat'll eat em.) I have a thing for giving girls flowers. And I didn't get to do it before the fit hit the shan. It probably won't change anything. I put them in a web page and sent the link. Who knows if she'll see them. I was planning to get a url spacifically for them too, something just for her...but work wasn't going to give me time for that.

I'm such a lame ass.

Anyhow, I need to jet and get clean before I go crazy. I am disaster-boy! See for yourself!!!

I need a damned shave too...starting to look like a hobo.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

I was wrong again. I let my emotions get the better of me, and it scared her away. At least this time it happened before I got fully invested into a relationship.

I will miss her, I miss her already.

Time to put another bottle on the shelf.

So, what now?

There's a girl.

An amazing girl, who lights up any room she walks into.

And she just happens to be my girlfriend.

I met her on MySpace(I know, I know...not really a good idea). But I didn't mean to meet anyone on MySpace, you know? It just happened.

I only ever used it to make connections with the friends I have who use it too. But I just started talking to her on messages and thought, "Why not meet her? She could be cool.". Not only is she cool but she is amazing. Yeah I know I said that already, but it bears repeating. We get along on this whole different level. Like two old souls who've known each other for years but got seperated for a while.

I'm not saying I know everything about her, and truth be told, I don't NEED to know all there is to know about her. And that's another thing. I don't even remotely obsess about knowing everything about her. It's like I can take it as it comes. And I am so often pleasantly surprised by what I do find out. I want to spend all the time I can with her for as long as I can.

And there's the problem...how long will I have with her? How long till she breaks my heart too? These are questions that I can't really ask. I don't want this to go away too. But I've realized, all to recently, how short a time we all have with our various happinesses. All I want to do when I see her is tell her how much I love her and how much I want to make her happy for the rest of her life. See her smile with the glowing beauty she radiates everywhere. But can I afford to let that last little part of my heart go? Can I afford to allow this person into my deeper affection?

God, I really hope so.