The universe teaches me once again

It's been such a long week. I fucking hate this. Why the fuck did I bother in the first place? These lessons are wearing thin, you know?

To illuminate:

I had this amazing week, the week before last. I got to know someone I was beginning to develop real feelings for. And then, poof! She just up and breaks up with me.

She messages me on myspace that she had a problem with something. No details, just a problem. I got a little worried, but kept chill about it cause she said in the message that she wanted to be with me.(inside I was freaking out left and right...but I was able to keep it in my head)

So, ok... I finally talk to her and it turns out it's just some strange smell she detected on me the last couple of times we were together(I still have no idea, there was a shirt I had worn that had a strange and sour smell on it. But who knows?). I mean I'm a pretty fastidious guy. No narcissist, but still...I keep my self pretty damned clean, you know? Anyhow, I was relieved that she wasn't having second thoughts or anything. But somewhat offended at the implication.

So fast forward a couple of days and two things happen.

First I sent an e-mail with a few details about my weekend. And I think some of the things I said in it about the whole smell thing might have been too harsh. I was running full tilt cause of my sister being on my case for two days about some neurotic bullshit. And may have let some of that slip into my massage to her. Second, I talk to her on the phone and I detect this sort of odd quietness in her voice. An almost reservedness that unnerved me. So I e-mail her another letter telling her that I thought she might have doubts, and that I would be happy to slow things down so she could get more comfortable with me. And I also told her that I wanted nothing more than to be with her.

The next day she calls me up and breaks up with me. She told me I was falling in love too fast for her and that I wouldn't let her catch up. She said that even though she had told me she wasn't having second thoughts, I continued to insist she was. And on top of that she tells me I'm not ready for a relationship...I couldn't even speak at this point.

ME, SPEECHLESS!

If you are someone who knows me, that's saying something.

Anyhow, she hangs up. And being right in front of the computer, and being on myspace at the time, I decided to change my status there to single. More to solidify what just happened in my mind than anything else. Later that night I saw on her page that she had done the same and also took me off her top friends list. It hurt but I figured it was just her doing the same.

She went further though, way further.

I found out the next day when I checked her page briefly to see if she was online. She had removed all, or nearly all traces of me from her profile. Comments, posts, even an entire blog posting of hers.

And I thought the break up hurt.

I mean it's just myspace and I don't give a rats ass who's top whatever I'm in or whether someone doesn't like my pic or post or whatever. But that just was about as brutal as a person could be. Like saying, "You no longer exist, and the last 5 weeks were just a halucination.". I talked with me friend Brandon about it and he suggested that, me changing my status so fast was hurtful to her. And that was why she had done that. Either that or she found someone else, used my e-mails as an excuse and didn't want said new guy to see my posts or whatnot.

I would prefer to believe she's not the type to do something like that. But then generally speaking I see the better in people, Brandon is more practical than me. I don't know either way.

As you can see from my last post, I got in touch with her and asked forgiveness for doubting her and for changing my status so quickly and she said she'd think on it. I sent the flowers just because I'm a damned romantic at heart and can never leave well enough alone.

And here it is, Sunday morning.

I'm hopped up in a bucket of coffee and about a pack and a half of cigarettes. And nothing. No sign she even cares. Or ever cared for that matter.

I mean I told her I could wait, several days if necessary for her to let me know. But if she's taking this long it's pretty obvious she's not.

So, I give up.

Time to be single again.

Not really a problem for me. Before I'd met her I was content being single, and would have been content to stay that way for a while yet actually. I took a chance and it burned me.

But then, if I were one to play things safe I wouldn't be the person I am. Would I?

C'est la vie...

Time to ring the bell, close the book, and snuff the candle.