it's cold and dark in my heart

On the 18th it will have been one year since my mother died.

This has been stirring in my head for weeks now, and I figured that maybe writing them down would do something to resolve my feelings. (In case you're wondering, it doesn't.) I think I'll just go out and get drunk as fuck.

I'm tired. The people I hang around are fine individuals and have been wonderful friends. But even in a crowded room full of my friends I still end up feeling isolated and alone.

No, I'm not fishing for a new girlfriend. Fact is, I am beginning to doubt that there are females left on the planet that can be trusted anymore. But that is another post for another day.

It's just hard to be anything other than happy-go-lucky James when I go out. And if I stay at home and indulge in my depressive state it just feeds on itself and I end up fucking myself up not taking care of eating right or even moving around all that much. Which is NOT a place I want to be. I did that last Christmas and spent 5 months recovering.

I am almost tempted to just leave. Pick up and go someplace else where no one knows me and I have no relations. Start over.

Anger, fear, depression, HATE. So much running through my mind lately. On top of a lot of sick stupid drama, belonging to other people. People I care about too.

I almost wish I didn't care.

I think I just have to get out of this house. Being here, it's killing me slowly.