So, what now?

There's a girl.

An amazing girl, who lights up any room she walks into.

And she just happens to be my girlfriend.

I met her on MySpace(I know, I know...not really a good idea). But I didn't mean to meet anyone on MySpace, you know? It just happened.

I only ever used it to make connections with the friends I have who use it too. But I just started talking to her on messages and thought, "Why not meet her? She could be cool.". Not only is she cool but she is amazing. Yeah I know I said that already, but it bears repeating. We get along on this whole different level. Like two old souls who've known each other for years but got seperated for a while.

I'm not saying I know everything about her, and truth be told, I don't NEED to know all there is to know about her. And that's another thing. I don't even remotely obsess about knowing everything about her. It's like I can take it as it comes. And I am so often pleasantly surprised by what I do find out. I want to spend all the time I can with her for as long as I can.

And there's the problem...how long will I have with her? How long till she breaks my heart too? These are questions that I can't really ask. I don't want this to go away too. But I've realized, all to recently, how short a time we all have with our various happinesses. All I want to do when I see her is tell her how much I love her and how much I want to make her happy for the rest of her life. See her smile with the glowing beauty she radiates everywhere. But can I afford to let that last little part of my heart go? Can I afford to allow this person into my deeper affection?

God, I really hope so.

Not sure how I feel

I haven't allowed myself to be in this place for a long time. Usually I just float along and enjoy the short time I know that I'll be in this place. But it's different this time. It's so much like the first time. I just don't want to be hurt again.

Where do I go from here?

I have all these thoughts and stupid little irritations that are buzzing around my skull. And I want to just spout off. But every time I start, I stop. Why?

Because I've learned a terrible lesson.

I've learned caution.

I can't just let loose with my random irrational and stupid thoughts. Cause there are people who will read this and then it's like, "What did you mean by that?" and "Oh sure, you can tell the universe and the internet but you say it to my face". Shit like that. Nothing bad really...it's just that I'm crazy. People make me crazy. I sometimes dream of being the Omega Man.

Alone.

I am also learning another terrible lesson. I am learning to fear death. I have never feared death before now. But I am beginning to see that my life will eventually end. And I haven't figured out just what will happen to my soul, spirit, mind, whatever you want to call it. And every once in a while I begin to think that maybe this is all there is, and then I get depressed. Cause if this is all there is...what's the fucking point?

Oi!

I am one fucked up mother fucker. Some days I think I wouldn't take too much objection if I was in a bank or a gas station, and some punk ass kid came in to rob it. And shot my ass down.

Don't get me wrong here. I don't have a fucking death wish. It's just a pain in my ass being so fucking aware of how pointless so much of the shit we wade through every damned day, really is. I see the shit commercials on the television saying "Buy this and it will make you happy!", or "Do like this celebrity does, and you won't be so obscure anymore!".

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!!!!! WHO FUCKING CARES?!?!?!?!?!?

Sometimes I have hope. I'll begin to think that humanity will get wise, and finally realize how incredibly stupid all of that shit is and rise up as one and become something great. And then I get sucked into some pitiful drama with some twitty little pissant and BAM!

Fucking pointless.

I know, I'm just a little corner of sunshine and light today. Ain't I?

Ironically, I am currently listening to Billboard's Top 100 hits of 1972. Hot Butter "Popcorn", tickles my brain.

I am Jack's total lack of suave.