Heheh...my motto, never said so well.

There is this girl...

whom I care so much about, that the very thought of her unhappiness makes me sad. And my own presence in her life causes unhappiness.

What do I do?

I have this wonderful advise for myself and I try to say, "be good, be patient" but it's so hard sometimes. All I want is to hold her and make her smile.

The anger is washed away, and in reality it really wasn't directed at her. I was angry at the world, at the volumes of garbage that came pouring down on my simple feelings.

regret

That last post(deleted) was unworthy of me. It was stupidly hurtful and just me outletting my anger. If anyone read it, please disregard it.

Testing the bounds of sanity

I've never been good at leaving well enough alone.

I just sent off an e-mail with all the things that have been festering in my heart. Part of me hopes that it will never be read, part of me hopes it will be and that it will make things different.

But in the pit of my stomache, where reality dwells, I know it will be read. And that the only effect is going to be that I will drive her away all that much further.

It rattles me sometimes, the futility of it all. I just can't seem to do this right. I start with the best of intentions, but somewhere in the middle I end up screwing it all up. Maybe I open myself up too much, maybe not enough...I don't know.

But for now I think it's time I just gave up on the other half. It has, so far, not been worth the effort.

Fun With The Freaks

So I went out to Denny's last night, not much happened there. Ran into the regular crowd and saw some absolutely gorgeous girls. One in particular is a girl I've known for a couple of months that I think I'd consider having a nice fling with. In truth I've been eyeing her for a while. ;)

Anyhow, I got home and had no desire to sleep...not even an inkling. So I hopped up onto the Yahoo Chat Board. I took a look in the Fetish section and met some real interesting people. There were the usual compliment of Bots trying to get any desperate guys to sign up for a webcam account(kinda pathetic if you ask me). But I did meet some cool people and a few who probably need serious counseling(like the guy who kept asking everyone to view his webcam and see him wearing his daughter's bra and panties...funny, yet sad).

There was the usual fair of guys asking for girls to urinate on themselves and who wanted to show everyone how well they looked in a pair of nylons and such...mostly harmless. One guy was asking to have a discussion about incest and I was happy to see that there were no takers on THAT topic. The most fun people to talk to were the transvestites. In the land of the obscure, they had a modicum of normality. I also met a person who said that she was female and was very smart and great to talk to, serious political views and a real sense of how the world should work together for peace. Can't say if she was truly a woman due to the fact that her pic only showed a fantastic pair of legs. In reality it didn't matter to me, but I make sure never to take anything on the internet at face value. Later in the night a woman got on and demonstrated the proper way to have sex with a chair and a few other things lying about her room. Though I lost interest when the topic started to veer toward sex with dogs and such...I just cannot understand such a fetish and it bothers me in some regards for the lack of respect for animals who don't know what is being done to them.

After all of that, I dropped into a more sensible singles room and met a nice girl(again, no guarantees on that score either) from the Philippines, and we talked theology for an hour or two.( I so get kick out of the idea that I'm talking to someone who lives half a world away.) She was very nice and I'm looking forward to talking with her again.

Well that's all I have to put up fer now my dears, I am going to try to keep up the blog a bit more from now on so if there are any people still reading this, your loyalty is appreciated. ;)

Long Time, No Post

well...how do i feel?

i feel numb.

single again...

two events have impacted my life this week. first, my very good friend will be moving in a few weeks. this was an event that was going to happen eventually but the timing hadn't been solidified. two days ago it was, and he will be leaving. the second thing that happened was that the girl i've been seeing told me that she cannot have any feelings for me. so we are no longer together.

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life, it seems, is balancing itself out.
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i wish i could feel this...but every time it starts to come out, my mind forces it away. it's like being stuck in limbo. i think i have become gun shy about having any feelings whatsoever. i wish i could cry or something...just to purge my soul. i haven't really cried for years. it's like an apothecary's den in my head with all the emotions i haven't let myself feel for so long in bottles on shelves. as time goes on i have to keep more and more of it away until i think i will just stop being passionate about anything.

*shrug*

ah well, i've said my peace and am now very tired so I will lay down to sleep...

when i wake the world will make sense