triumph and sadness

About 3 months ago I decided it was time to learn Javascript. So I picked up a couple of books and started to teach it to myself. I even made up a project to help motivate me(a script that handles adding up an order sheet for a Wedding Video & Photography company I do work for). So tonight(or this morning, depending on how you look at it) I finally got the whole thing working properly and to my satisfaction. A moment of achievement in an otherwise dreary week.

Only one problem...and it just hit me suddenly like a ton of bricks. I used to talk to my mom about programming all the time. She was brilliant about programming and I always loved showing her the stuff I could do with the scripting and languages I learned.

Only she'll never see this one...or any of the others to follow it.

You never can tell what's going to get you.

I didn't exactly cry(I don't cry all that much...I wish I did, it would keep me from repressing so much emotion). But I couldn't drive home for 45 minutes.

I hate Mondays.

I don't know how to feel

My mother passed on tuesday.

I wasn't prepared for this...

I don't have anything more to say.

Never enough time...

I found out yesterday that my mother has less than a month to live. I am going to lose the one person in this world that I could always count on. Ever since my first memories she has always been the strongest most indomitable person in the world. And as I am seeing her now it hurts me to see how frail she has become.

She has breast cancer.

But it is no longer in her breast, it got away and has become some rare form of cancer that is nearly impossible to fight. She can't take chemo for it and there are no other drugs able to stop it's progress.

All I can think is "why her, what did she do to deserve this?" and the answer is of course nothing. My mother is the one who taught me respect for life, to not belittle others and to be the best human being I can be. In a nutshell she is my Buddha. She has always been more loving and forgiving than anyone I have ever known and she taught me that it is not my place to judge anyone. Something I have tried to follow in my life. Only with moderate success. But it is the goal I strive for, and the path I follow.

This next month is going to be one of the hardest I have ever endured but endure it I will. I just wish I had more time. And I wish she could be around when I finally become the person she has always seen in me.